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I don’t know where to start but I guess I should introduce myself.  I grew up in Washington on a farm. I loved growing up out there in the middle of no where. I found myself there in the orchards, the hay fields, and the corn fields. I was raised LDS and on some level I still associate and relate to the doctrines and principles taught from the LDS perspective.  I grew up very lonely, and very sad. I found joy through hard work and seeing that working hard means that good things happen and get done. I still love to work, and sometimes it is hard to know when to stop and take a break.

I graduated from high school and not much later I went to BYU. My family went there, and I felt like I needed to go there. It was the place I needed to be so I could become the person that God needed me to be. I loved my experiences there, it was hard, sad, amazing, and life changing. A few years ago I never would have said that I am thankful for every minute of goodness and hardship, but I can honestly say I am thankful for the whole experience. My experiences there  changed my life…many would say my life did not change for the better, but I would disagree my life has only changed for the better.

During the end of my time at BYU, I had to face one of my biggest fears. I had to accept that I am and always will be a Lesbian. I had to stop trying to ignore this part of myself and I had to stop treating myself like I was a monster, or something so vile that no one could love me if they knew that I liked girls. I thought NO ONE could love me. Not even God. I tried to hide this part of myself form him for a long time. I tried so hard to be perfect. I thought that if I was perfect He would take this away from me, he would change who I am, so I could be what I perceived as the normal, be attracted to guys, that I was surrounded by.

 

I finally stopped asking Him to take it away and instead I asked: ‘Why am I this way?’  For months on end I asked why with no answer. I finally stopped asking Why and I started asking ‘What do you want me to do with this?’  I was told to tell my family so I came out to my family. Which, was an amazing and difficult experience, but I am so thankful for my family and for their love for me. They may not understand and they may not agree with choices I may choose in the future, but they love me, and they will still be there for me.

I have started the process figuring out myself, who I want to be on my terms and Gods terms, what I want my life to be like, and what I don’t want it to be like, figuring out where I fit in the LDS Community and also in the Gay Community… or if i fit in either of those places.

The road has not been easy and there are so many days when I wish it would be easy to talk to people about it. To answer there are you dating someone or why rent you married yet questions with the answer… ‘I like girls, on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. I connect with them much better than I ever have with guys… So for right now I am dating no one. I am still trying to figure that all out.’ But I mostly just answer that I am waiting on the Lord and that this was not my plan either. It really wasn’t my plan and it really would be simpler if I liked guys because then I could follow what my family wants for me, I could fit into society and I could always stay fully active in my religious beliefs. It would be so much easier because then I wouldn’t have to choose between living alone my entire life  and disappointing my family because I end up with a girl.  On the other hand, I do not want that path, I am happier liking girls. I am happier being true to myself and true to I believe God needs me to be.

This is just the beginning of my story but I hope to share my story. I want to help others. I want to be authentic. I don’t know everything, I just know that God loves ALL his children, EVERY single one of us.