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Today I interviewed a young man for an internship where I work. In this interview, I asked him a question I typically don’t ask. I asked him what his biggest weakness was. He responded that sometimes he focused so much on the end goal he didn’t enjoy the experience of reaching the goal. I also decided to answer my own question. I said communication. It is my biggest strength and my biggest weakness. I over communicate and I also get misunderstood in y communication many times. It is something that I constantly work at because I know it is a weakness and it is slowly becoming a strength.

While I was sharing this with him, the thought came to me that our strengths and weaknesses are  double edge sword. They are connected strongly to each other. When Christ says he will show us our weakness and turn it into a strength I believe they must be connected for a few reasons.

  1. Humility
  2. Compassion
  3. Knowing Our Limits
  4. Reaching Our Full Potential

Tonight is the first time I have written anything personal for a couple of years. As you know this blog is not very active. I have been holding back fighting myself. Afraid that what I had to say didn’t matter, and that no one would listen but tonight something changed. I realized i need to write my thoughts for myself not for anyone else. Not for validation, not for praise, not for connection with others, but to remind myself and keep record of what I am learning. To help me see that I as a person matter and my own thoughts matter to myself and they are worth writing down, because I remember better when I write things down.

Recently I have felt a lot of grief. I am not taking about the sadness that comes from misunderstanding a social que or when I misspell a word in something that gets printed and mailed to over 6000 people. I am talking about full on deep down grief.  The last time I have felt like this was a few years ago right before I began my journey of self-acceptance and it was one of the darkest times of my life.

There are apparently 5 stages to grief according to one theory. They are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. I am learning that these deep feelings truly cut deep into my heart, and mind but even more so into my soul. They cycle quickly and slowly. Sometimes I feel all of them at the same time. It is overwhelming and currently I am sad to even admit I am going through this process.

Tonight while I have been trying to go to sleep I realized that grief is a double edged sword just like weaknesses and strengths. Without grief we cannot have or experience joy as deeply. We cannot know that light without the dark, the good without the bad. I asked god why would he let me feel it so deeply and why is it important that I feel this. I honestly don’t want to feel it. I am afraid grief makes me less of a person weak, or too emotional. But the answer that comes to me while i write this is a message of hope. That if I am feeling this grief and pain this deeply then that means there must be an opportunity for me to feel the same depth of joy, and peace.

I also think it is to help me understand others who feel so alone in their pain and grief. the more I understand myself and Heavenly Father that more I understand that having a perfect knowledge of things includes grief and pain, sorrow and heartache.

So where do I go from here? Do I see a lot of light at he end of the tunnel? Currently, I don’t and for the first time in a long time I am actually trying to let myself feel the feelings and the pain and allowing myself the space to heal and process. So that someday when I look back at where I am now I can say to myself “I really am glad I went through that” and “I learned so much from that experience” and “I took that pain and I choose to make it into something better.”

So if you ask me how I am doing and I don’t give you much of an answer I am ok, but quite frankly right now it only seems like I will barely survive.