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Last night I was talking to someone on the phone about how it is hard to be yourself when no one else seems to want you to be that way, how hard it is to change habits and things you don’t like about yourself that you know you want to change but you get overwhelmed by those changes.

It was interesting because they are trying to change some habits and parts of them that make life  stressful and fun but those things tend to bug the people around them, because they try to do so many things it slows them down making them late all the time, and things don’t really get done. Leaving them with a feeling of disappointing everyone  around them all the time, which is unrealistic but I understand that they feel this way. There are some things that they do want to change, they want to love themselves more, they want to take care of things they need to do, but they truly feel like they are never good enough for anyone. Which makes me very sad, but I know the feeling.

What was interesting is they said ‘it feels like I have to give up this part of myself to not disappoint them, like they want me to change this part of myself that I enjoy and need to make life more enjoyable and easier to live for me, but I just feel like I disappoint them. How do I keep this part of myself and change my behavior, and still be happy and not disappoint them.’  I said I can understand that feeling. How do you let part of yourself go that you feel like is part of who you are, and who you need to be to enjoy life, so that you don’t just disappoint everyone around you? A light came on for that person, they got that my struggle is harder than just feeling an attraction. It is part of who I am. I like girls. I also believe strongly in God and Jesus Christ and the principles taught in the scriptures. But how do I find a way to be happy, keep god part of my life, and not disappoint anyone around me. It honestly is not possible.

For me I am realizing that disappointment does not = hate. I may disappoint some people but they do not hate me, and those that are closest to me will love me and do love me even when they express disappointment. Do I still love those who disappoint me? Why yes I sure do. I may be sad but I let it go and forgive them and we move on, love still is there it may grow, or change, but I still feel love for that person.

So how do I let go of the fact that I like girls if that will disappoint most people I know. How do I find the balance of loving myself, accepting myself, and being myself if that means hurting those that I love. I feel like so many people, not everyone, but many people view parts of my life as a choice. I did not choose to be this way. But I do choose to not give up parts of my faith, a part that is equally important to who I am. The choice I have come to is that I do not need to choose which way to go. I can keep my morals, I can keep my giving attitude that my parents raised me with, I can have Christlike love towards others, I can choose to not drink or do drugs, I can choose to be the person I want to be and I can accept the fact that I like girls, and I want to be with one in a monogamous relationship one day.

When I was first trying to choose between one way or the other one of my dear friends shard a quote with me…and this is not a direct quote but they said: ‘The pioneers  they wanted to take everything with them, but they couldn’t they had to leave so much behind, but they took the most precious things with them, they took whatever they could fit on their handcart and they went on their way. It was not easy, and it was hard to lose their homes, sometimes their families and their lives, but they followed what they felt was right.’

So as I try to find the path my life needs to be I see that I have to choose which things will go with me on my handcart. What things a I not willing to give up? What things am I willing to leave? What things matter to me?

I know a few things I do not want to leave God or Jesus Christ out of my life, I do not want to give up my morals they may change but I want to have a standard for what I should be so I can be myself. I do not want to lose my family or break those connections with them, it may be hard to keep those connections but I do not want those connections to break. I do not want to give up happiness, whatever that happiness will be. I do not want to be bitter at the LDS community or the gospel. I want to be openminded and loving towards all people in all circumstances and situations. I do not want to be close minded and cruel towards those who may be close minded and cruel to me. I want to stand up for the rights of all people, to be able to live the life they choose to live as long as it is not harming or hurting others or themselves.

What are you going to put on your handcart?